Hardware Wars

Every now and then I need to pop down the road and get some simple hardware items like a few screws or a tap washer and since my local hardware store closed a year or so back, I end up at the hardware "Mega Store" (I won't mention any names but you know the ones.) As I park the car in the rugby field sized car park I start to get a sinking feeling that things are just not going to go my way.

I could park directly outside my old hardware store and be in and out in a jiffy, it now takes 5 minutes to walk to the yawning sliding doors and step inside. The sheer scale of these buildings is hard to comprehend, they stretch for miles in every direction, and the flags at the end of each aisle are a blur in the distance so I pick a direction and set off in search of my quarry.

The place seems unmanned apart from stray shoppers who wander round with glazed expressions (and not because they have been in the window section) I spot an assistant, you can tell them, as they are the ones with waistcoats. (Worn as a warning to all who may be considering a lowly paid job to stay at school and get an education.) Steeling myself I ask where could I find some 1/2 inch 8 gauge pan head pozi drive zinc plated screws? There are usually two answers, the first is to point confidently and say aisle 18 then scuttle off in the other direction, as the screws will be in any aisle other than 18. The second approach is usually used by the junior staff who say “huh??? I’ll have to ask someone.” and then scuttle off and never return.

Eventually after scanning every aisle I find myself confronted by a floor to ceiling wall of fastenings of almost every shape, size and pitch. I say almost, as the size you are after is never there. Eventually I find something that is close and will possibly do the job and then I’m given the further dilemma of whether to buy two packets of five screws for the six I require or buy a box of seven hundred that is only two dollars dearer.
I eventually reach the checkout with the box of seven hundred almost right screws and then the performance of buying them begins.

First the bar code does not scan so after a five minute wait a waistcoated drone appears and is sent to get the price off the shelf. It disappears in the wrong direction and reappears about half an hour later with a number written on it’s sweaty palm. The number is entered and the till reads 700 porcelain washbasins price $18,957.25. I point out the mistake and I get a withering look from the cashier as if to say “Can’t you just pay it and get out of my face?” and they begin a grim search of the computer database to try and find the item. Eventually they find something close in description and price to what is on the checkout and then comes the final straw. “Do you have a loyalty card?” I refrain from saying “Loyalty is the last thing you will EVER get from me.” and silently pay the money. Running out the door I breathe the fresh air outside and vow never to return. That is until I get home and find I forgot the tap washer……